Run No: 429 - 25 Aug 07 - Coloane Village: Nga Tim's The triumphant return of Cheesy Helmet

"The Return of Cheesy Bollocks and Bolton Helmet"

The sun was blazing down in typical August-in-Macau fashion as the pack assembled in Coloane Village while the hares were still out laying trail in the oppressive heat.

Compared to last week's total size of 7, this week's pack size was huge with the estimated pack size being somewhere between 16 and 100 according to this halfmind (probably closer to tends to think things are always larger when you're drinking).


But regardless, we had a little bit of everything, returning vacationers: (Scooter Babe, Tittyana, and Hasher Lori), a Frighteningly prepared transplant in the making who was out scouting his new hash 5 weeks before his move (good hash form!): Reign from the KH3 across the bay, Backsliders with nary a good excuse for themselves: (Bear Down There, Pubic Plucker), A hasher coming straight from another hash event and taped up with electrical tape around the knee to either resemble either a leaky radiator hose or a bad electrical splice: (Sheik Mimi), A Virgin 2 footed hasher (The Virgin Andrew), a Virgin 4 footed hasher: (Stewart* [*more on this later]) (not to be confused with the way that Cunter runs trail...), and three hashers who were apparently way off trail for the last couple months and just now found their way ON HOME, Cheesy Helmet, Bolton Bollocks, AND Rentboy.

So the pack came together outside Ng Tim's and related stories of terror from the work week, whilst Cheesy, being the outstanding hasher he is, having nobly volunteered to hare and even recruited the super double secret probation cohare, Bolton Bollocks, was out laying trail. The virgin hasher, Andrew asked 20 questions about this thing called hashing which we all tried to give the worst possible answer. Meanwhile the virgin 4-pawed hasher now known as Stewart* was apparently the most excited virgin hasher I've ever seen and his excitement led to later naming nomination of "Red Rocket" or "Lipstick" later on.

Having not seen the hares, and noticing the alarming sobriety of the pack, the GM called ONON and off the pack went on the trail. There were two notable things about this start. First off, no sooner did the blessed words "ON ON" pass the GM's lips then the clouds rolled in the sun was not to be seen for the rest of trail, and outstanding job by the hares on this part of trail, they lay in the scorching heat, we run in the cloudy shade with an occasional spritz of rain. Secondly, this is the first trail I have ever been on where the first two marks are two checks. (let alone how often do you see a trail that true trail is marked by another check!). The pack scurried about like an anthill that had been kicked over until Sheik Mimi took off south down the shoreline and a fair bit of the halfminds followed him until we realized that (A) there were no marks, (B) there was no response to "R U?", and (C) we were totally on the wrong trail. Nasi and St Peter meanwhile had foreseen this trickery and were already on true the exact opposite direction, North.

So off the pack went, Runners and Walkers clumped together fairly well, our virgin Andrew and Stewart* armed with leash and combination Walking Stick/savage fighting saber, little did they know what laid ahead...

The pack headed north on trail out of the Village, up around the Boatyards (where there was a brief R/W split that was basically the equivalent of having the Runners take the stairs and the walkers the escalator, but then the trail at the top of the stairs eluded the pack once again and they scrambled about like the sober wankers they were until one heck of an excellent backlay by the hares was found that then led right back to an (unmarked) R/W join, continuing North. At this point the Runners and Walkers were drawn apart and the pack followed true trail through the Zoo past the ostriches (who were making a tasty snack out of the hemp rope in their cage...Bob Marley would be proud) and the Monkeys (who, in what could only be interpreted as a break through in interspecies hash, slung poo as if to signal "ON ON you wankers!", or they could of just been doing it for fun), the pack continue up the neverending stairs (also known as 'Goodbye Kneecaps') and past the deadly pools of questionably stagnant water where the nefarious ambush on the hash occurred.

While reports are still coming in and no film of the incident could be found, it appears that the runners, being the impetuous punks that they were, stopped and slung verbal assaults at a slumbering nest of hornets. According to one eye witness, the phrase: "Your father was a hamster and your mother smelled of elderberries" could be heard ringing through the Valley. Well, while the might be slow to respond, these ill tempered hornets took it upon themselves to converse and decide that yes, they were being insulted and they did not like this one bit...So when an unsuspected quintet of our hashers came past, the hornets laid upon them in a most horrible way. Mini Me, Scooter Babe, Public Plucker, Virgin Andrew, and Stewart* were all assaulted...Virgin's Andrew Walking Stick/savage fighting saber was no match for this winged warriors and four hashers went down with multiple wounds. Later at the ONIN, it was learned of this attack and all that came into circle was Stewart* and his master's Walking stick (Wild rumors began to swirl that Stewart*, due to his recent lion-like haircut, belayed his role as Man's best friend, but these could not be substantiated as with a trusting face like that, it was more likely they didn't allow four footed hashers in the ambulance).

Yes, the hares managed to send all four of the hashers into the clinic with multiple hornet stings who were then told that Macau hospital was the only place they could be treated for a malady of this magnitude so three of these hashers were piled into an Ambulance (is this a first for the TMH3? Taking an ambulance on trail?) and headed even further off trail north (Seeing as one of these four was the hash flash, and his camera was seen working earlier in the day, it is hoped that he has photo evidence of this series of events...). Pubic Plucker summoned her strength and make it in to ON HOME before grabbing her vehicle and driving north to rejoin the bunch in the clinic. Later all four hashers made it in to on home alive and well after being denied timely service at Macau hospital, they opted to come back and treat the wounds liberally with beer. While the casualty reports are still flowing in, there was already a story of noble honor and sacrifice in Scooterbabe defending Stewart*, Andrew, and Pubic Plucker and while the medal application is still in process for her courage under fire, it has been discovered that the Bottom line was that the nasty hornets' Rear admiral did catch up with her in the End, 9 times in fact, which is a lamentable tender's to hoping for a speed recovery for scooterbabe!

But back to the trail, while all this drama was unfolding below them, the remainder of the pack were continuing up the neverending stairs to the top of the hill where the hares led them around to the North (I think??) with strange markings of "ON ON LA". This halfmind was dumbfounded as to the meaning of the LA, was it Los Angeles? Little Ants? Laughing A**holes? Lickable Angels? Perhaps we'll never know... I know I had no clue where we were as this was part of the Coloane that I hadn't been in my four month hashing here, but it was a great laid trail and we even passed a pack of rather sober gentlemen headed the other way...we tried to recruit them, but with no success, they're only reply was literally "Slow down! Take it Easy!" Ha! Apparently they did not have beer waiting for them at the end of their run, only perhaps a Bran Muffin or two...

The hares did almost lay an On Up in two a blasting explosive laden valley, but seeing as they already disabled a good size of the pack already with their hornets on trail, they showed mercy and decided against it. The pack continued around the trail until popping back out on the road just east of the boatyard right by the earlier confusion of the R/W split. They led the pack on a leisurely circumnavigation of Coloane Village before bringing us on in to the golden nectar.

Social drinking commenced as word of the fallen hashers trickled in...The hashing calvary was sent out, namely GM to go make sure the hashers were alright and Roger and Out had to receive the dreaded call from a strange hospital worker that Mini-me was in the ER. (however it should be noted, that we now know at least one way to get Roger and Out to make a showing at the hash as he did, in true past GM form, swing by the circle and check in with everybody). Stewart* was turning out to be a bigger tourist attraction than the Coloane Village Cathedral with the tourists and was in multiple photos. Bolton Bollocks came very close to getting into fist-to-cuffs with Ng Tim himself, and there was much debate if Bear Down There had been traumatized by Misquitos or Hornets, or a strange mutant mixbreed of Hornquitos.

The locals were quite happy to see the hash back down in the area by taking our cans and tossing our plastic waterbottles over the seawall into the mud. After all the hashers were accounted for and the MIA list was compiled, circle commenced with past GM, Bolton Bollocks making a glorious return as Circle master. Various down downs were given, especially to the hares. Cheesy Helmet told stories of his adventures in Bejing and of the deliciousness that was "Chicken Parts Miscellaneous". Bolton had stories of Eurohash that they held in his honor back on the mother isle. And Sheik Mimi had stories from just returning from the Pataya Jungle Monkey hash on the same flight with Tittyana, who claimed she was on vacation on the beach. They should have gotten their stories straight before circle, all we know is that they came back from Thailand together...local authorities are still being contacted in an effort to piece together the true story of their weekend. Apparently though, Tittyana turned an entire airplane row into her own queen sized bed while Sheik Mimi continued to sober up from the hash the night before so he could come out hashing with the TMH3. Cunter brought up the fact that while this was Stewart*'s first hash with the TMH3, 1 human year is equal to 7 dog years, so the same logic should apply to hash counts and as such, 7 hashes in, it is time for a naming. The proposed names of "Red Rocket" and "Lipstick" (based on the events prior to the trail) were ruled as too dignified and not cruel enough for a hash name so he was given the hash name of Stewart. (* Per the Circle Master, the reasoning being that the TMH3 tradition was to be followed by giving the mortal name of the previous GM...or perhaps it was just to get a jab in at said previous GM. Regardless the name was decreed). Reign, the transplant hasher in the working from KH3, was given a TMH3 welcome and it was lamented that Virgin Andrew had a heck of a virgin hash experience (and a story to tell now too!) in which his dog finished trail while he was in the hospital. We hope this doesn't deter him from returning to the hash...especially since his first hash will be great fodder coming naming time.

At the end of circle, the hash was declared a success, many welcome backs were thrown about to the halfminds who had wandered away for so long, and the pack chose to clean up before going ON ON ON back up in Taipa. While I did not attend, One can only assume that there was beer flowing like water, enough alcohol to make any hornet wound sting no more, and debauchery and shenanigans that are in the headlines today, but I can't read them because they are in Chinese.

The pack was also reminded (As are you dear reader), that the KH3 (ladies' hash) is coming to town in two weeks with a 12:30 Go time on September 12th, while A has not been announced, it is presumed to be Pousada de Coloane if any hashers were interested.

Also, the TMH3 Pirate/Junk Boat Hash is coming up on Sunday September 16th, and all those interested need to pay 530 MOP which covers boat, food, beach, ale, trail, and all the saltwater you can drink. Those interested need to pay ASAP to reserve their spot! Email GM for more info if you need it.

And that's my version of the day and I'm sticking to tit...errr it.

On - until next Sa-TURD-ay - On

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