Hash 466 : 3.5.08 : An All Balls Out Hash : Cheoc Van Beach

Hare: St. Peter               Scribe: Cunter Ass Thompson

After procuring what seemed to be the last taxi out of Macau and escaping the madness of the Olympic Torch Relay fast than you could say "Tibet, what Tibet?", I squealed into the Cheoc Van Parking lot (well to be fair the Taxi I was in squealed in too, I was just squealing along for the fun of it..."Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!", if they had let me hang my head of the window to ride in the car doggy style, by gum I would have...).


As I pulled into the lot I was shocked to find out that the TMH3 had auctioned off all their harriettes, Dammit!, and I brought my shiny Patacas too... I did spy Tittyana taking an unsuspecting guy off away from the hash, both sober and on strange two wheeled contraptions. I haven't seen the guy since, ergo he must not have been able to keep up with Tittyana and sailed over the Coloane cliffs Thelma and Louise Style.

Meanwhile in the parking lot below, the last harriette, Pubic Plucker had been auctioned off to a pair of two shady character in Raybans and black suits and Fedoras who reporetdly asked: "The Women...how much for de women?" Pubic shunned their bids and instead said she had a hot 7:30 date with someone named Resse Ital. So with that, all class and good looks were gone from the TMH3 for the day and it was offically a TMH3 Wanker's Ball (of a hash).

As the pack of 6 (Nasi, Shithouse, Long Drop, Captain, Nancyboy, and Cunter) all stood together kicking at the sand and wishing we had pooled our Avos to at bid enough to keep some harriettes out for the hash, the hares appeared coming on in from the adventures out on trail and said "WTF?! It's 4:20, get out there you miserable (but possibly blissfully high given the time) wanks!"

And that was all Long Drop and Captain needed as the blurred up the steps and on trail. The rest of trundled along behind on trail which headed East along the road to an immediate R/W split with the Runners scrambling up a rockface that looked like a hell of a promising trail and of course made Captains and Longdrop's eyes light up like Brer Rabbit being thrown into the Briar Patch, only to find a nicely placed CTB next to a group of young bitches.

Back on True Trail (which just happened to be the way the walker's went, excellent (legal) usage of hash signs hares!), we worked around the picnic area and up the alabaster stairs to the trail above that wound back around West all the way to the 5 way intersection above the Horses/Police Station. Nasiturd declared he could no longer resist the siren like call of the group like adult fun that this Reese Ital guy was throwing and said unflinchingly that he was checking down the stairs. Thinking there was no way that could be right, Cunter continued checking on trail West and found three clumps of toilet paper before running out of any and all marks and calling last mark after deciding that like Freud said about Cigars, sometimes Toilet Paper is just Toilet Paper.

Meanwhile this whole time two things were going on, 1 the entire rest of the pack decided not to check any other direction and decided to join me on my toilet paper hunt, and 2, down below in the valley we can hear "On 1", "On 2"..."On 5". Deciding that either those Mockingbirds have really improved their repotoire or Nasi was actually on flour, we bellowed out a "R U?" to which he reply "on On!" with the heavy subtext of "Of course you wankers, I'm not hollering for my health!"

So off we tore, giving abandonment to any cartiledge that still might be poking around in our knees and soon caught up with Nasi just in time to watch him wrestle some of the local canine mongrels while giving the one finger salute to the just as noisy curmudgeons that were fenced in on the roof of the next building.

Back at the main road there was another check (of course!), Nasi declared he was checking left as he was still on a mission to go get prettied up and meet that Reese Ital guy. The rest of the pack watched in amazement as it was the first time we ever saw Nasi check *UP* hill and then turned and checked in the opposite direction, finding another check and a nice YBF behind the police station that we thought St Peter may had taking trail down to the boatyards as he window shopped for his buoyant conveyence to get him and the fam to Singapore... but now, true trail continued on to Coloane Village from the back entryway, zigged and zagged through the narrow passageways (always good hashing fun!) and then popped back out around the bamboo+plastic stage and shrine before chugging up past the shooting range. There the pack was tempted by 3 (count them! 1-2-3) checks down to the beach that were just too tempting for this halfmind (couldn't help it, they were so shiny and irresistable!) and by the time I tried the third one, I was finally right and found an excellent placed hare mark on a beached Junk that pointed down the beach.

Apparently somewhere along the way I lost the flour marks in amongst the brazillion white oyster shells and the rest of the pack figured it out but I plowed on ahead looking for trail until finally running out of rocks and making my own trail up the hill to pop out on the road 15 meters ahead of Long Drop and Nancyboy to which I hollered at them "On! On!" and off we trotted to the corner where we found both a good sized check on the corner as well as the unmistakable glare of Captain's Neon Orange shirt as he continued on pavement. We hollered RU? thrice with no answer as Captain was on autowank (to which he drank for later). So the remaining pack of 4 were left to find true trail after ruling out the way Captain went. Some excellent backdropping by the hares made us question where else trail could be before Long Drop successfully applied Occam's Razor and found true trail. Long Drop then proceeded to out billy goat the entire pack over the rocks, he was seen sighing at one point and exclaiming "man, I can never escape work!" before leaving us all in the dust. And did I mention he was hashing the whole time Jesus style in Tevas? Oy vey!

From there, it was the usual on in along the road but we caught up to Longdrop who stopped to take a shower on trail and in a few minutes we were all in and circle was being setup.

There were many a-down downs that included Pistyferuous Zoxide for his virgin TMH3 haring, Long Drop for hunting out the tunes of the rare 88.1FM songbird during the week, Captain for his Autowanking, and Shithouse an honor down down for best hash entertainment for the week. I should explain that last one, due to an ongoing sickness (you should really put a stop to that ya know shithouse...), Shithouse's ears were full of...well...shit, and he couldn't hear barely anything and it circle was like a preview of Shithouse in 50 years as he stood there with the hashing look of content on his face and drink in hand, not paying attention to any of the annoying people around him. Nancy Boy did take pity on him though and interpret circle for him in Hash Sign language. There were many more down downs and circle dwindled into the twilight before more of us went to check out this Reese Ital guy before stealing all the hashers from Reese's grasp and going to OTT for some Bluecards and then headed over to Irish Bar for some real drinking.

That's my version of this Hash FlatRash and I'm sticking to it.

On - My name is Cunter Ass Thompson and I approve of this message - On
-Cunter Ass Thompson

Two (okay 3) Quickies for ya, both filthy dirty oldies but goodies:

A drunk is stumbling down the street when sees a "Piano Player Wanted" sign in the window of a local fancy restaurant.He wanders in and enquires about the position, the Maitre De tells him to play him a song to audition for the job

The drunk staggers over to the Piano and promptly plays the most beautiful Adagio with such delicacy that it brings tears to the maitre De's eyes.

He tells the drunk "That's the most beautiful song I've ever heard, whatever do you call such a beautiful song?"

To which the drunk proudly replies, it's an original I call "It's 3am, I've pissed in the Wardrobe, and I'm Buggering the Dog"

The maitre De is appalled and hesitantly asks if perhaps he could play something else?

So the drunk obligies and promptly plays an amazing Ballad that fills the room with a glorious melody

The maitre De beams and asks for the title of this beautiful song to which the drunk replies "Ah that's called I'm wearing my favorite pair of Nipple Clamps and I just Shagged your Grandma"

Finally the maitre De says the job is yours as long you just don't tell anyone the names of your songs to which the drunk agrees.

So evening comes and the Drunk has performed a solid 45 minute set that caused the entire dining room to become enraptured in the beautiful songs. The drunk thanks the lovely crowd and says he'll be back in 5 minutes to which the crowd demands he continues, so he agrees to continue if he can pause long enough to "powder his nose"

The Drunk gets up and makes a beeline for the Men's Room where he tops up from his flask and takes a wee and heads back to please the crowd. As soon as he emerges into the Dining Room the nearest man's eyes grows wide and grabs him by the arm saying "Do you know You've stepped in Shit and your Dick is hanging out of your Fly?"

To which the drunk instantly replies:
"Know It? Hell, I wrote It!"

On a train from London to Manchester an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment,

“You English are too stiff. You set yourself apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make you above the rest of us. Look at me… I’m me. I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?”

The Englishman replied,

“Very sporting of your mother.”

A penguin takes his car to a mechanic because there is a funny noise coming from under the bonnet.The penguin goes and buys himself an ice cream then goes back to the garage.

“Oh, hello,” says the mechanic, wiping his hands on a cloth.

“Hello,” replies the penguin. “Was it anything serious?”

“Not really, but it looks like you’ve blown a seal.”

“Oh no, no, no!” says the penguin, wiping his mouth. “It’s just ice cream.”



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