Hash 474 : 29.6.08 : The Aftermath : Miramar, Westin Beach

Hare: Nancy Boy          Scribe: Bolton Bollocks

The real story begins with the nuptials of the esteemed PGM Glennfiddich to the perennial Silicon Valley. This explains why the Hash had switched to Sunday for only the 3rd or 4th time in its history...but again...more later. I believe this to have been the 4th marriage between TMH3 hashers, the first being Snatch n Grab/Grab n Snatch, 2) Betty/ Betty's Boobs, and 3) Rubber Balls/Ivy.


Anyway...on to the story.

Chapter 1 Saturday

Saturday dawned, or so they later told me (Friday night having been spent in a drunken stupor with several visiting persons from Northern Ireland. At least Ate of them as I recall). Nuptials at the Chapel at 1.00pm, lunch and drinks at the Westin, 3.00pm Guests 60, hashers 6. Cocktails 6.30pm, dinner (and speeches!) 8.00pm, guests 120 hashers 24. Party (Miramar) 11.00pm - 3.00am guests 240, hashers ~40. On On Party (Bolton Bollocks’ room at the Westin) 3.00am -7.00am Guests 9 hashers 8.

I detail all this merely to show, dear reader (I like this literary touch!), the increasing tempo and the increasing involvement of TM3 Hashers of the Saturday celebrations. Hence it was that the Hash had been postponed to Sunday.

Chapter 2 Sunday

I remember the sun, or at least brighter clouds, coming up over Hac Sa from my Westin Veranda, Cunterass's snores competing with the dawn chorus. Roger and Out and Maid in Macau acting out a huge domestic. My fridge being emptied, filled up again by room service and emptied again. But I mainly remember advising the Hare, Nancy Boy, to remember that the hash would be a Hangover variety and best to keep it short...perhaps 1/2 hour only, for FRBs. Perhaps I had addressed his deaf ear, perhaps his own domestics with Fishy Finger caused him to forget, perhaps he just loves haring so much that he can't stop. Whatever it was...the Hangover Hash from Hell followed!

Waking from his slumbers, allegedly, at 1.40pm the Hare arrived at the site of the previous night's party (keep up with me here dear reader...the Miramar) and started live haring at about 2.40pm still suffering from alcohol abuse as we all were. A good turn out of about 20 split roughly 50/50 into walkers and runners (more like walking dead and Zombies) and set off at around 3.15pm.

Chapter 3 the Hash

Well, you can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time but Nancy Boy's first check didn't fool Bolton Bx, who set off (in auto pilot admittedly) up the hill from the Westin. Everyone eventually followed. An apologetic(?) w/r split led the Rambos down towards Ka Ho but swiftly back to join the Whimps who by now were hopelessly lost around the park at the base of Coloane Hill number 1.

BB arrived and smelled the chalk heading up through some shiggy alongside a water pipe clearly installed by a bunch of drunken plumbers in the dark. This led us upwards and onwards. We eventually came out on trail and did a usual circle around the hill, by-passing several 'nice try but keep your day job' checks which were too obvious. Cunter Ass, Sheik Me Me, and Roger n Out competed for the lead and for the highest number of checks checked. Cunter Ass found trail and sped around the bend pausing only to flash the second part of his name to anyone who cared to see. Unfortunately I was looking across to him just as he flashed. Smelling salts and a carroty vomit later I continued.

Then heading inland we came across a new sign...'WETLANDS...NO SPITTING'. Dodging under the fence designed to keep out wheelchairs we came across a lovely new development of wildlife wetlands. A beautiful setting spoiled only by the incessant noise of the Dengue fever mosquito larvae continuing to hatch. Chopper hopper whispered 'Come on, lets go!' I thought my luck was in until I realised she was going to run. Mach One-eye and I kept up with her but at a respectable distance behind. Chopper hopper suddenly realised that we were admiring the rear view! 'Perverts' she cried as she increased her pace and left us behind, dreaming of her behind.

Trail ran on and around until we came down, down, and onto the road again. There we spotted the new Bridegroom giving both Roger n Out and NYPD a lift in his car! Shame! Obviously Roger n Out's domestic tiff had taken it out of him. NYPD was just effing lazy! Betty and Betty's Boobs strolled on and, presumably in a mega short cutting move, on to the Westin again. Mach One-eye appeared with stories of metre long black snakes in drainpipes. The heat was obviously getting to us. Across the road and up those effing steps up to Coloane Hill 2. A quick discussion at the top and we agreed that all trails led to Rome so we took the easier route. 'Two roads diverged in a (yellow) wood, and I, I took the one less travelled by, and that...has made all the difference!'

(Robert Frost: Lovely Poem...check it out...http://www.bartleby.com/119/1.html).

Then as we appeared to be heading towards Cheoc Van, Shithouse and Lead Belly appeared. The moans and groans increased as we winged (or was that whinged) our way round another bend. Two hours down and still going! Were we off to visit A-Ma? Possibly. We were close...but no...the trail continued round. Hac Sa started to disappear. Then we remembered, this was an A-B. We'd been going for 1 hour already and were heading inland. Basta*d hare! On we ran until we went down then back up, passing A-Ma, leaving the Westin far behind and onto Coloane Hill number 3.

Then the trail went down. Bliss! As we made our way down to Hellene Gardens a scrawl...'On Home to Norman's' greeted us. Half the Hash had walked back to the Westin...the rest of us made our way to Norman's with revenge in our eyes!

Chapter 4 The Circle

As the GM (Betty) had gone home (??), the female variety, Pubic Plucker Grand Mattress, formed the Circle at 6.30pm. DD's flowed relentlessly. Nancy Boy deservedly took about a baker's dozen...appropriate because he must have kept a lot of flour for baking with!

Bolton Bollocks got several for returning, for cross dressing in his t shirt and various misdemeanours. Roger n Out got one for the domestic, one for his cap, and one for the car lift. As did NYPD, trying unsucccessfuly to hide behind a sign post. Cunter Ass took one for his ass, (or was it one for up his ass??), one for the party pooping at Bolton Bollocks’ room, and one for looking up PGMs skirts (ok Kilts). Sheik Me Me admitted having spent the night at the GM's (i.e. PP's) and woke up with a faceful of dog's ass. Thinking it was the GM he tried a quick kiss only for the tail to crack down on him and wake him up properly. Down Down!

Returnees Pianist and Chopper Hopper caught a few. Pianist's virgin accompanist, Geoff, got one...and an invitation to return. PGM Glennfiddich arrived with guest Kowloon hasher Whore's Drawers (aka Norman) and got 2. Captain egging on the whole proceedings took one with other PGM's (when one drinks they all drink)...see attached picture.

Mach One -eye took one for the snake story and one as a Glennfiddich look alike for having to be pushed to say his 'faithful' vows. Shithouse and Leadbelly were included but I can't remember why. The Hare and the Amahs drank continuously. Forgive me dear reader (I do love that bit!) if I have omitted you. That is all my memory is up to.

Following the success of the Sunday Hash Sheik Me Me proposed that the Hash be changed to Sunday at least for the immediate future. This was democratically passed (serves you right GM for not being present!). Then a final vote was taken for an ON ON at Normans which was unanimously agreed. The Circle closed at 7.30pm...not bad for a supposedly 2.30pm start!


After sitting down at Norman's, the awning creaked, groaned and crashed down, narrowly missing the Hare! Ah well....we'll get the basta*d next time!

And so it was!

On on

Bolton Bollocks

Just a little something for the weekend.......

Three married couples, aged 20, 30, and 40 years old, want to join the Orthodox Church of Sexual Repression. Near the end of the interview, the priest informs them that before they can be accepted they will have to pass one small test. They will have to abstain from all sex for a
month. They all agree to try.

A month later they are having their final interview with the cleric. He asks the 40 year old couple how they did. "Well, it wasn't too hard. I spent a lot of time in the workshop and she has a garden so we had plenty of other things to do. We did OK." the husband said.

"Very good, my children”. You are welcome in the Church. And how well did you manage?" he asked the 30 year old couple.

"It was pretty difficult", the husband answered. "We thought about it all the time. We had to sleep in different beds and we prayed a lot. But we were celibate for the entire month."

"Very good, my children. You are welcome in the Church. And how about you?" he asked the 20 year old couple.

"Not too good, I'm afraid, Father. We did OK for the first week.", he said sheepishly. "By the second week we were going crazy with lust. Then one day during the third week my wife dropped a head of lettuce, and when she bent over to pick it up, I... I weakened and took her right there."

"I'm sorry my son, you are not welcome in the Church"

"Yeah, and we're not too welcome in the Supermarket anymore, either."